Throwaway time! What's your secret that could literally

Throwaway time! What's your secret that could literally

6:05 PM

I used to be a Police/Fire/911 Dispatcher, but had to quit because it nearly made me suicidal. I actually had thoughts, but had to drive 40 miles to go to a center/hospital where no one knew me for help. I have nightmares about a few calls I took where the caller killed themselves, shot someone else, or passed away on the phone with me. To this day, a few years after resigning, I still can't listen to a phone ring, or sirens go off without having a mild panic attack. I am fairly sure it's a form of PTSD, with flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and an inability to function sometimes, but I'm embarrassed and scared to tell my fiance, or go to a doctor for it. I know there are soldiers out there with real PTSD that deserve help far more than me... I am very good at hiding it though. I also sometimes wait until my fiance goes to sleep, and I will then go sit and pretty much cry for several hours. It's hell.

TL:DR - I exhibit a lot of the symptoms of PTSD, but I'm scared to get help for it because I don't think I deserve to be diagnosed with something like this, as in my mind, I was never in any real danger.

EDIT: 1 year later: For those of you who still message me about this... No, I did not seek help for my problem. Soon after I made this post, my fiancé left me, citing the fact that I "made her miserable". That was a huge blow, because it meant that I was effectively homeless, since I wasn't able to afford rent in our shared home. I was then forced to quit my job, move several thousand miles away, and live in a cot in my grandmother's house. I found that I was massively depressed, homeless, jobless, overweight, and severely suicidal. My ex-girfriend refused to help, and I was utterly, sincerely, totally, alone. But, I fought... I couldn't afford treatment, so I went ahead and began exercising my body, and exorcising my demons. I fought, long and hard, to eat right, to not have the urge to end my own life, and to be someone. I ended up losing nearly 120 pounds, getting into the best shape of my life, and kicking my depression in the ass. Today, one year later, I'm normal weight, I have a gorgeous new girlfriend, and I recognize that I needed help. So, future reader, let this be a lesson to you... the things you try to hide, the things that can and will destroy you if they get out, will destroy you eventually. Face your demons, fight, fight, fight.

EDIT 2: 9/19/13! Yes, I still check this account! Thank you to whomever gifted me reddit gold! I appreciate it sincerely. Second, and most important of all, the reason I check this account is because it is still generating amazing comments to my inbox. I really do love all of them, and I'm happy to have helped. I'm fighting to get to a better place in my career, and I'm living a very healthy and happy life now. I'm working harder and more focused than I've ever been, and I'm currently down 130 pounds. I ran my first 5k a few months back, and my nightmares and panic attacks have gone away totally. Again, never take the easy way out, folks, because there just isn't one. I'll leave you with my favorite quote:

"...Do not by any means destroy yourself, for if you live you may yet have good fortune. But, all the dead are dead alike." -CS Lewis

Thank you all.

EDIT 3: 6/12/14

We're engaged!

For those of you asking how I am, or giving me encouragement via the PMs, a sincere "thank you". There are days where I log into this account, see an orangered and use the wishes inside as my secret fuel to get through a tough day. I'm down 150 pounds total now, and I jog, bike, hike, and find whatever activity I can to keep myself occupied. I've got a wonderful job in a field that I love, doing all kinds of interesting research, and I'm now the guy in the office that brings in the donuts on Fridays. It's a funny turn-aournd. Sometimes, my old life seems like it was a bizarre and hazy bad dream (to use the washed-up phrase), but I can't ever forget that it was real, because there are so many lessons that my time in that dark place taught me, and so many lessons I feel like I want to share with others.

Finally, there are some things that I never shared with you folks about my story, such as when I mentioned initially that I was living with my grandmother... as tough as that was, 2 months after I moved in, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I helped with her care until the very end. I know I had my problems, but when a dying person that loves you with all of their heart tells you that no matter what, they're proud of you, you can't help but smile and carry on through anything. She passed away a year ago today, hence this post; it's kind of a thank you to her too.

My fiancee tells me that I should write a book about this whole thing, so that's what I've started to do. Might as well put that English degree to use, right? I hope someday you'll all get the chance to read it, because so many of you helped to inspire it. Again, thank you all, from the bottom of this heart of mine.

(PS: For those of you curious as to why I chose this username, it's because it's harder for people to quote you in other sources if you have a name like this... heck, the original thread was all about anonymity. lol)

Thank you all.

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